Top Voted 200 Facebook Status

1	Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2	I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3	I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
4	Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5	Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
6	We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
7	Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
8	The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
9	Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
10	If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
11	Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
12	We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
13	War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14	Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
15	Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
16	Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
17	My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
18	Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
19	The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
20	Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21 Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.   22 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... 23 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 24 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 25 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? 26 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 27 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 28 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 29 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 30 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 31 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 32 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 33 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 34 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 35 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? 36 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 37 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 38 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 39 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 40 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
41 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?   42 The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 43 God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 44 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 45 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 46 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 47 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 48 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 49 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 50 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 51 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 52 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 53 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 54 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 55 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 56 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 57 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 58 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 59 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 60 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

 

61	We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
62	Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
63	My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
64	Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
65	When in doubt, mumble.
66	I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
67	I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
68	Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
69	A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
70	Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
71	Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
72	My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
73	Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
74	Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
75	I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
76	I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
77	I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
78	I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
79	Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
80	There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

     

81	I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
82	You're never too old to learn something stupid.
83	When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
84	You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
85	I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
86	Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
87	Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
88	With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
89	To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
90	A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
91	Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
92	A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
93	If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
94	Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
95	If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
96	A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
97	Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
98	Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
99	If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
100	Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

101	Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
102	You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?
103	After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
104	Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
105	What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
106	George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
107	I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
108	Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
109	I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
110	When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
111	The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
112	Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
113	If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
114	Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
115	Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
116	Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
117	Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
118	I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
119	Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
120	You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

 

121	Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
122	Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
123	Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
124	Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
125	You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.
126	According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
127	Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
128	Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
129	If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
130	Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
131	If you can't convince them, confuse them.
132	The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
133	Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
134	If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
135	By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
136	America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
137	To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
138	Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
139	They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
140	See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

141	Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
142	A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
143	I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
144	By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
145	Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
146	The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
147	Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
148	It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
149	Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
150	Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
151	We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
152	Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
153	I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
154	There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
155	Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
156	If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"
157	Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
158	Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
159	We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
160	The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

 

161	I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
162	Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
163	Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
164	You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
165	Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
166	People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
167	The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
168	I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
169	Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
170	Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
171	Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
172	Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
173	I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
174	A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
175	The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
176	Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
177	When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
178	Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
179	Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.
180	I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

181 No one is listening until you fart.   182 Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter". 183 The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. 184 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. 185 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? 186 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 187 Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her. 188 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma. 189 Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. 190 The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. 191 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest? 192 Only dead fish go with the flow. 193 For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. 194 It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper. 195 What if there were no hypothetical questions? 196 Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. 197 Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? 198 Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 199 True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. 200 They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.